Mitchell Hedberg was born on February 24, 1968, in Saint Paul, Minnesota, United States. He was an influential stand-up comedian celebrated for his unique one-liner style, deadpan delivery, and surreal observational humor. He released three acclaimed comedy albums and over 10 appearances on The Late Show with David Letterman. May these comedian Mitch Hedberg quotes offer you insights that will promote creative thinking, embracing individuality, and reducing life’s pressures with humor.
1. “I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.” – Mitch Hedberg
2. “An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” – Mitch Hedberg
3. “I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.” – Mitch Hedberg
4. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.” – Mitch Hedberg
5. “I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.” – Mitch Hedberg
6. “I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.” – Mitch Hedberg
7. “Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!” – Mitch Hedberg
8. “My hotel doesn’t have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c’mon man. People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.” – Mitch Hedberg
9. “I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.” – Mitch Hedberg
-min.jpg "Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg")
10. “I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.” – Mitch Hedberg
11. “One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said 'Here’s a picture of me when I was younger. Every picture is of you when you were younger.” – Mitch Hedberg
12. “Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.” – Mitch Hedberg
13. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.” – Mitch Hedberg
14. “I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.” – Mitch Hedberg
-min.jpg "Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg")
15. “Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” – Mitch Hedberg
16. “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.” – Mitch Hedberg
17. “This shirt is dry-clean only, Which means it’s dirty.” – Mitch Hedberg
18. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.” – Mitch Hedberg
19. “I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going, and hook up with them later.” – Mitch Hedberg
-min.jpg "Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg")
20. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” – Mitch Hedberg
21. “People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” – Mitch Hedberg
22. “Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?” – Mitch Hedberg
23. “Dogs are forever in the push up position.” – Mitch Hedberg
24. “I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.” – Mitch Hedberg
-min.jpg "Famous quotes and sayings by Mitch Hedberg")
25. “I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg
26. “Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a black-light popped up over his head?” – Mitch Hedberg
27. “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.” – Mitch Hedberg
28. “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” – Mitch Hedberg
29. “You can’t have seaweed as a house plant because you’d have to water it way too much.” – Mitch Hedberg
30. “I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.” – Mitch Hedberg
More Mitch Hedberg Best Lines and Quotes
31. “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” – Mitch Hedberg
32. “I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.” – Mitch Hedberg
33. “I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want two thousand of something.” – Mitch Hedberg
34. “I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.” – Mitch Hedberg
35. “I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day.” – Mitch Hedberg
36. “Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I’m angry. Germs do not go quietly.” – Mitch Hedberg
37. “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg
38. “If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.” – Mitch Hedberg
39. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.” – Mitch Hedberg
40. “I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.” – Mitch Hedberg
41. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.” – Mitch Hedberg
42. “It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.” – Mitch Hedberg
43. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.” – Mitch Hedberg
44. “They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.” – Mitch Hedberg
45. “I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.” – Mitch Hedberg
46. “I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.” – Mitch Hedberg
47. “If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.” – Mitch Hedberg
48. “I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same.” – Mitch Hedberg
49. “You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.” – Mitch Hedberg
50. “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.” – Mitch Hedberg
51. “It's weird, people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?” – Mitch Hedberg
52. “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.” – Mitch Hedberg
53. “My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
54. “I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil—and the devil was dill.” – Mitch Hedberg
55. “I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like Dude, you have to wait.” – Mitch Hedberg
56. “I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” – Mitch Hedberg
57. “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” – Mitch Hedberg
58. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time.” – Mitch Hedberg
59. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.” – Mitch Hedberg
60. “I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.” – Mitch Hedberg
61. “My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?” – Mitch Hedberg
62. “A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.” – Mitch Hedberg
63. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.” – Mitch Hedberg
64. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.” – Mitch Hedberg
65. “I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made twelve, I was prolific.” – Mitch Hedberg
66. “Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.” – Mitch Hedberg
67. “Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” – Mitch Hedberg
68. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.” – Mitch Hedberg
69. “Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, I'm gonna go shave, too.” – Mitch Hedberg
70. “I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.” – Mitch Hedberg
71. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!” – Mitch Hedberg
Share these Inspirational Quotes from Mitch Hedberg with your friends, family, and loved ones to inspire them as well.
2. “An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.” – Mitch Hedberg
3. “I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.” – Mitch Hedberg
4. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.” – Mitch Hedberg
5. “I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.” – Mitch Hedberg
6. “I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.” – Mitch Hedberg
7. “Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!” – Mitch Hedberg
8. “My hotel doesn’t have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c’mon man. People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.” – Mitch Hedberg
9. “I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.” – Mitch Hedberg
11. “One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said 'Here’s a picture of me when I was younger. Every picture is of you when you were younger.” – Mitch Hedberg
12. “Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.” – Mitch Hedberg
13. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.” – Mitch Hedberg
14. “I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.” – Mitch Hedberg
16. “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.” – Mitch Hedberg
17. “This shirt is dry-clean only, Which means it’s dirty.” – Mitch Hedberg
18. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.” – Mitch Hedberg
19. “I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going, and hook up with them later.” – Mitch Hedberg
21. “People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” – Mitch Hedberg
22. “Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?” – Mitch Hedberg
23. “Dogs are forever in the push up position.” – Mitch Hedberg
24. “I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.” – Mitch Hedberg
26. “Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a black-light popped up over his head?” – Mitch Hedberg
27. “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.” – Mitch Hedberg
28. “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” – Mitch Hedberg
29. “You can’t have seaweed as a house plant because you’d have to water it way too much.” – Mitch Hedberg
30. “I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.” – Mitch Hedberg
More Mitch Hedberg Best Lines and Quotes
31. “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” – Mitch Hedberg
32. “I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.” – Mitch Hedberg
33. “I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want two thousand of something.” – Mitch Hedberg
34. “I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.” – Mitch Hedberg
35. “I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day.” – Mitch Hedberg
36. “Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I’m angry. Germs do not go quietly.” – Mitch Hedberg
37. “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg
38. “If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.” – Mitch Hedberg
39. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.” – Mitch Hedberg
40. “I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.” – Mitch Hedberg
41. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.” – Mitch Hedberg
42. “It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.” – Mitch Hedberg
43. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.” – Mitch Hedberg
44. “They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.” – Mitch Hedberg
45. “I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.” – Mitch Hedberg
46. “I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.” – Mitch Hedberg
47. “If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.” – Mitch Hedberg
48. “I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same.” – Mitch Hedberg
49. “You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.” – Mitch Hedberg
50. “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.” – Mitch Hedberg
51. “It's weird, people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?” – Mitch Hedberg
52. “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.” – Mitch Hedberg
53. “My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
54. “I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil—and the devil was dill.” – Mitch Hedberg
55. “I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like Dude, you have to wait.” – Mitch Hedberg
56. “I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” – Mitch Hedberg
57. “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” – Mitch Hedberg
58. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time.” – Mitch Hedberg
59. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.” – Mitch Hedberg
60. “I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.” – Mitch Hedberg
61. “My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?” – Mitch Hedberg
62. “A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.” – Mitch Hedberg
63. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.” – Mitch Hedberg
64. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.” – Mitch Hedberg
65. “I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made twelve, I was prolific.” – Mitch Hedberg
66. “Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.” – Mitch Hedberg
67. “Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” – Mitch Hedberg
68. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.” – Mitch Hedberg
69. “Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, I'm gonna go shave, too.” – Mitch Hedberg
70. “I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.” – Mitch Hedberg
71. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!” – Mitch Hedberg
Share these Inspirational Quotes from Mitch Hedberg with your friends, family, and loved ones to inspire them as well.