80 Funny sarcastic inspirational quotes about life and people. Here are the best sarcastic quotes to read from famous people that will inspire you. Sarcasm from others sometimes packs a punch but don't take it negatively. Instead, use that to your advantage for the betterment of yourself. May these sarcastic inspirational quotes help you train your mind to handle criticism with a positive mindset. Share these sarcastic quotes about life with your friends, family, and loved ones to inspire them as well.
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1. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne
2. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne
3. “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen
4. “The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” – Gore Vidal
5. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
6. “If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.” – Anonymous
7. “It’s amazing how you can have to worst day ever, but still laugh at yourself when you push a door that says pull.” – Anonymous
8. “The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
9. “What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?” – Anonymous
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10. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder
11. “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” – Walter Kerr
12. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.” – Anonymous
13. “There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.” – Anonymous
14. “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra
15. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill
16. “A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” – George Bernard Shaw
17. “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James
18. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers
19. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield
20. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin
21. “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers
22. “I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” – Anonymous
23. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday
24. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau
25. “Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers
26. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields
27. “Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.” – Anonymous
28. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Anonymous
29. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.” – Anonymous
30. “If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.” – Anonymous
31. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.” – Anonymous
32. “When I hear somebody sigh, life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, compared to what?” – Sydney J. Harris
33. “Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.” – Anonymous
34. “If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.” – Mitch Hedberg
35. “I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
36. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.” – Anonymous
37. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” – Anonymous
38. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
39. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
40. “They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
41. “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.” – Steve Irwin
42. “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” – Mitch Hedberg
43. “An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.” – Anonymous
44. “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” – W. C. Fields
45. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert
46. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
47. “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” – Thomas Sowell
48. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.” – Anonymous
49. “There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” – Kin Hubbard
50. “Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” – Bill Murray
51. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn
52. “People say that laughter is the best medicine, and your face must be curing the world.” – Anonymous
53. “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” – Winston Churchill
54. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating thirty percent of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray
55. “Tell me, is being stupid a profession, or are you just gifted?” – Anonymous
56. “I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you twenty times, in five minutes, in twenty different ways.” – Anonymous
57. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield
58. “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman
59. “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s because she changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford
60. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld
61. “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” – Woody Allen
62. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright
63. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
64. “Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” – John Barrymore
65. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” – Theodore Roosevelt
66. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.” – Anonymous
67. “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” – Oliver Hardy
68. “A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
69. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen
70. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright
71. “A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.” – Hector Hugh Munro
72. “Find your patience before I lose mine.” – Anonymous
73. “You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.” – Jay Leno
74. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Anonymous
75. “If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
76. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Anonymous
77. “Zombies eat brains, you are safe.” – John Stewart
78. “Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.” – Jack London
79. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
80. “One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
2. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne
3. “I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen
4. “The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” – Gore Vidal
5. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
6. “If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.” – Anonymous
7. “It’s amazing how you can have to worst day ever, but still laugh at yourself when you push a door that says pull.” – Anonymous
8. “The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
9. “What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?” – Anonymous
11. “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” – Walter Kerr
12. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.” – Anonymous
13. “There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.” – Anonymous
14. “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra
15. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill
16. “A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” – George Bernard Shaw
17. “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James
18. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers
19. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield
20. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin
21. “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers
22. “I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” – Anonymous
23. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday
24. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau
25. “Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers
26. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields
27. “Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.” – Anonymous
28. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Anonymous
29. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.” – Anonymous
30. “If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.” – Anonymous
31. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.” – Anonymous
32. “When I hear somebody sigh, life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, compared to what?” – Sydney J. Harris
33. “Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.” – Anonymous
34. “If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.” – Mitch Hedberg
35. “I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
36. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.” – Anonymous
37. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” – Anonymous
38. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
39. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
40. “They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
41. “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.” – Steve Irwin
42. “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” – Mitch Hedberg
43. “An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.” – Anonymous
44. “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” – W. C. Fields
45. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert
46. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
47. “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” – Thomas Sowell
48. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.” – Anonymous
49. “There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” – Kin Hubbard
50. “Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” – Bill Murray
51. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn
52. “People say that laughter is the best medicine, and your face must be curing the world.” – Anonymous
53. “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” – Winston Churchill
54. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating thirty percent of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray
55. “Tell me, is being stupid a profession, or are you just gifted?” – Anonymous
56. “I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you twenty times, in five minutes, in twenty different ways.” – Anonymous
57. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield
58. “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman
59. “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s because she changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford
60. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld
61. “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” – Woody Allen
62. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright
63. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
64. “Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” – John Barrymore
65. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” – Theodore Roosevelt
66. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.” – Anonymous
67. “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” – Oliver Hardy
68. “A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
69. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen
70. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright
71. “A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.” – Hector Hugh Munro
72. “Find your patience before I lose mine.” – Anonymous
73. “You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.” – Jay Leno
74. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Anonymous
75. “If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
76. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Anonymous
77. “Zombies eat brains, you are safe.” – John Stewart
78. “Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.” – Jack London
79. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
80. “One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.” – Friedrich Nietzsche