60 Funny quotes and hilarious sayings to make you smile. Here are some of the best funny quotes that you can enjoy reading from famous authors. May these hilarious quotes and sayings make your day more meaningful and lead you to a more joyful day! Share it with friends, family, and loved ones to bring inspiration and happiness on their faces.
1. She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom. - John Green
2. I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. - Fred Allen
3. Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. - Mark Twain
4. Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me? - John Kennedy Toole
5. Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C.S. Lewis
6. Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. - Carroll Bryant
7. I used to think boners literally pointed in the direction of the person you're attracted to, like a compass. That would be helpful. Mortifying as fuck, but at least it would clarify things. - Becky Albertalli
8. I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said. - Dave Matthes
9. I was like, 'Dude, make me look bad. Please. I want to look ugly. I want to wear orange pants. - Evanescence
10. Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. - Ellen DeGeneres
11. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain
12. It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. - Marilyn Monroe
13. Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. - Lemony Snicket
14. They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting. - John Green
15. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guiswite
16. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
17. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld
18. That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. - George Carlin
19. If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. - Lawrence Ferlinghetti
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up. - Will Rogers
21. What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes. - Gena Showalter
22. I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here. - Lauren Myracle
23. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. - Robert Benchley
24. You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world! - James Dashner
25. You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle! - Lauren Myracle
26. Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. - Laurell K. Hamilton
27. Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! - Hergé
28. You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!! - Bill Watterson
29. I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman! - C. JoyBell C.
30. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. - Rodney Dangerfield
31. When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin
32. Will you show me what you really look like? You don't sparkle, do you? - Jennifer L. Armentrout
33. What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize. - Rick Riordan
34. Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided. - Mae West
35. A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real. - Harry Styles
36. Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up. - Marian Keyes
37. She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride. - Gayle Forman
38. Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned. - Laurell K. Hamilton
39. This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka! - Gerard Way
40. You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever. - Johnny Depp
41. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try. - Homer Simpson
42. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - Groucho Marx
43. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. - Jack Handey
44. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
45. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry
46. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
47. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. - Steve Martin
48. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. - Steven Wright
49. Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. - Ralph Bus
50. I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
51. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. - Richard Jeni
52. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. - Fred Allen
53. An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
54. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
55. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. - Robert Bloch
56. Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers
57. The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley Randall
58. Why do people say “no offense" right before they’re about to offend you? - Anonymous
59. Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. - Helen Rowland
60. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
1. She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom. - John Green
2. I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. - Fred Allen
3. Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. - Mark Twain
4. Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me? - John Kennedy Toole
5. Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C.S. Lewis
6. Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. - Carroll Bryant
7. I used to think boners literally pointed in the direction of the person you're attracted to, like a compass. That would be helpful. Mortifying as fuck, but at least it would clarify things. - Becky Albertalli
8. I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said. - Dave Matthes
9. I was like, 'Dude, make me look bad. Please. I want to look ugly. I want to wear orange pants. - Evanescence
10. Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. - Ellen DeGeneres
11. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain
12. It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. - Marilyn Monroe
13. Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. - Lemony Snicket
14. They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting. - John Green
15. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guiswite
16. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
17. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld
18. That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. - George Carlin
19. If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. - Lawrence Ferlinghetti
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up. - Will Rogers
21. What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes. - Gena Showalter
22. I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here. - Lauren Myracle
23. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. - Robert Benchley
24. You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world! - James Dashner
25. You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle! - Lauren Myracle
26. Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. - Laurell K. Hamilton
27. Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! - Hergé
28. You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!! - Bill Watterson
29. I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman! - C. JoyBell C.
30. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. - Rodney Dangerfield
31. When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin
32. Will you show me what you really look like? You don't sparkle, do you? - Jennifer L. Armentrout
33. What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize. - Rick Riordan
34. Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided. - Mae West
35. A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real. - Harry Styles
36. Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up. - Marian Keyes
37. She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride. - Gayle Forman
38. Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned. - Laurell K. Hamilton
39. This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka! - Gerard Way
40. You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever. - Johnny Depp
41. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try. - Homer Simpson
42. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - Groucho Marx
43. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. - Jack Handey
44. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
45. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry
46. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
47. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. - Steve Martin
48. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. - Steven Wright
49. Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. - Ralph Bus
50. I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
51. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. - Richard Jeni
52. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. - Fred Allen
53. An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
54. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
55. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. - Robert Bloch
56. Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers
57. The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley Randall
58. Why do people say “no offense" right before they’re about to offend you? - Anonymous
59. Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. - Helen Rowland
60. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
60 Funny quotes and hilarious sayings to make you smile
Reviewed by Kerr S.
on
April 18, 2019
Rating:
Reviewed by Kerr S.
on
April 18, 2019
Rating:
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