60 Funny quotes and hilarious sayings to make you smile

60 Funny quotes and hilarious sayings to make you smile. Here are some of the best funny quotes. May these hilarious quotes and sayings from famous personalities make you laugh and lead you to a more joyful day! Share it with friends and family to bring inspiration and happiness on their faces.

1. She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom. - John Green

2. I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. - Fred Allen

3. Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. - Mark Twain

4. Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me? - John Kennedy Toole

5. Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. - C.S. Lewis

6. Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. - Carroll Bryant

7. I used to think boners literally pointed in the direction of the person you're attracted to, like a compass. That would be helpful. Mortifying as fuck, but at least it would clarify things. - Becky Albertalli

8. I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said. - Dave Matthes

9. I was like, 'Dude, make me look bad. Please. I want to look ugly. I want to wear orange pants. - Evanescence

10. Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. - Ellen DeGeneres

11. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

12. It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. - Marilyn Monroe

13. Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. - Lemony Snicket

14. They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting. - John Green

15. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guiswite

16. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein

17. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld

18. That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. - George Carlin

19. If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. - Lawrence Ferlinghetti

20. Never miss a good chance to shut up. - Will Rogers

21. What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes. - Gena Showalter

22. I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here. - Lauren Myracle

23. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. - Robert Benchley

24. You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world! - James Dashner

25. You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle! - Lauren Myracle

26. Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. - Laurell K. Hamilton

27. Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! - Hergé

28. You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!! - Bill Watterson

29. I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman! - C. JoyBell C.

30. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. - Rodney Dangerfield

31. When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin

32. Will you show me what you really look like? You don't sparkle, do you? - Jennifer L. Armentrout

33. What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize. - Rick Riordan

34. Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided. - Mae West

35. A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real. - Harry Styles

36. Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up. - Marian Keyes

37. She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride. - Gayle Forman

38. Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned. - Laurell K. Hamilton

39. This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka! - Gerard Way

40. You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever. - Johnny Depp

41. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try. - Homer Simpson

42. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - Groucho Marx

43. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. - Jack Handey

44. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

45. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry

46. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

47. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. - Steve Martin

48. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. - Steven Wright

49. Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. - Ralph Bus

50. I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin

51. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. - Richard Jeni

52. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. - Fred Allen

53. An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

54. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

55. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. - Robert Bloch

56. Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers

57. The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. - Stanley Randall

58. Why do people say “no offense" right before they’re about to offend you? - Anonymous

59. Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. - Helen Rowland

60. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman