61 Short funny quotes about life that will make you smile. Here are the best funny quotes on life to read from the famous authors that will inspire you. May these short funny quotes on life enlighten you that having a good sense of humor has significance in our lives to be more meaningful. Share these funny quotes and sayings with your friends, family, and loved ones that will make them smile, laugh, and inspire them as well.
1. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. - Rodney Dangerfield
2. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. - Dave Barry
3. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
4. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde
5. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. - Mark Twain
6. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. - Anonymous
7. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. - Emo Philips
8. I don't hate you... I just don't like that you exist. - Gena Showalter
9. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx
10. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan
11. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
12. The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
13. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Steven Wright
14. Don't be so humble - you are not that great. - Golda Meir
15. I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together. - Charles Dickens
16. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield
17. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas. - Claude Pepper
18. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
19. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
20. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
21. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. - Joey Adams
22. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety- seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres
23. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. - Robert Benchley
24. I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are. - Jarod Kintz
25. You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!! - Bill Watterson
26. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmot
27. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby
28. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Scott Adams
29. If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us. - Anonymous
30. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow
31. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. - Cullen Hightower
32. All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. - H. L. Mencken
33. It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. - Marilyn Monroe
34. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw
35. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - Mae West
36. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr
37. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. - Mark Twain
38. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! - Billy Connolly
39. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carey
40. A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. - Charles Gordy
41. You can't shine like a diamond, if you not willing to get cut like a diamond! - Eric Thomas
42. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. - Albert Camus
43. Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something. - William Goldman
44. It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them. - Rose MacAulay
45. All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. - Alexander Woollcott
46. Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint. - Markus Herz
47. Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours. - Frank Moore Colby
48. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. - Andy Borowitz
49. There are three ways in life to become popular: be rich, be beautiful, or be funny. - Jon Macks
50. At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. - Ann Landers
51. The truth hurts, and so would you if you were stretched as much. - Anonymous
52. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. - Ann Landers
53. I don't have a funny bone in my body; now I know why my surgeon's bills are so high. - Rory R. Cuphist
54. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. - Anton Chekhov
55. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
56. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. - Arthur C. Clarke
57. Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use. - Charles M. Schulz
58. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. - Ashleigh Brilliant
59. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. - Phyllis Diller
60. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. - Betty White
61. Talkers are usually more articulate than doers, since talk is their specialty. - Thomas Sowell
1. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. - Rodney Dangerfield
2. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. - Dave Barry
3. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
4. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde
5. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. - Mark Twain
6. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. - Anonymous
7. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. - Emo Philips
8. I don't hate you... I just don't like that you exist. - Gena Showalter
9. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx
10. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan
11. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
12. The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball
13. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Steven Wright
14. Don't be so humble - you are not that great. - Golda Meir
15. I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together. - Charles Dickens
16. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield
17. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas. - Claude Pepper
18. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
19. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
20. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
21. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. - Joey Adams
22. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety- seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres
23. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. - Robert Benchley
24. I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are. - Jarod Kintz
25. You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!! - Bill Watterson
26. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmot
27. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby
28. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Scott Adams
29. If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us. - Anonymous
30. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow
31. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. - Cullen Hightower
32. All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. - H. L. Mencken
33. It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. - Marilyn Monroe
34. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw
35. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - Mae West
36. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr
37. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. - Mark Twain
38. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! - Billy Connolly
39. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carey
40. A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. - Charles Gordy
41. You can't shine like a diamond, if you not willing to get cut like a diamond! - Eric Thomas
42. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. - Albert Camus
43. Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something. - William Goldman
44. It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them. - Rose MacAulay
45. All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. - Alexander Woollcott
46. Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint. - Markus Herz
47. Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours. - Frank Moore Colby
48. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. - Andy Borowitz
49. There are three ways in life to become popular: be rich, be beautiful, or be funny. - Jon Macks
50. At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. - Ann Landers
51. The truth hurts, and so would you if you were stretched as much. - Anonymous
52. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. - Ann Landers
53. I don't have a funny bone in my body; now I know why my surgeon's bills are so high. - Rory R. Cuphist
54. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. - Anton Chekhov
55. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen
56. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. - Arthur C. Clarke
57. Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use. - Charles M. Schulz
58. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. - Ashleigh Brilliant
59. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. - Phyllis Diller
60. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. - Betty White
61. Talkers are usually more articulate than doers, since talk is their specialty. - Thomas Sowell
61 Short funny quotes about life that will make you smile
Reviewed by Bliss Quote
on
December 28, 2019
Rating:
Reviewed by Bliss Quote
on
December 28, 2019
Rating:
