50 Funny Christmas quotes that will make your heart smile

50 Funny Christmas quotes that will make your heart smile. Here are the best funny Christmas quotes to read from famous people that will bring you thoughts of happiness. They say Christmas is the time to be Merry, and we will make yours the most cheerful and lively Christmas ever with our humorous and funny Christmas quotes. Spread joy, love, and happiness this Christmas holiday season. Share these short funny Christmas quotes with your friends, family, and loved ones.

Funny Christmas quotes that will make your heart smile
1. “Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope

2. “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson

3. “I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.” – Henry Youngman

4. “Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” – Frank McKinney Kin Hubbard

5. “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor

6. “No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidation on the eve of a major holiday.” – Emma Bombeck

7. “The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers

8. “Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Anonymous

9. “Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?” – Bill Watterson
Funny Christmas quotes that will make your heart smile
10. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying: Toys not included.” – Bernard Manning

11. “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller

12. “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – Dennis Miller

13. “I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’” – David Letterman

14. “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” – Anonymous

15. “I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.” – Dick Gregory

16. “What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

17. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” – Victor Borge

18. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson

19. “Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts.” – Max Lucado

20. “You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.” – Robert Paul

21. “Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong

22. “Santa Claus wears a red suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?” – Arlo Guthrie

23. “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.” – W. C. Fields

24. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde

25. “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm

26. “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller

27. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” – Will Ferrell

28. “Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry

29. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry Seinfeld

30. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar

31. “One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” – J.K. Rowling

32. “YThe principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: Some assembly required.” – John Leo

33. “You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” – Maya Angelou

34. “I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.” – Bridger Winegar

35. “Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” – Melanie White

36. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple

37. “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?” – Matt Groening

38. “For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!” – Anne Bristow

39. “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” – Conan O'Brien

40. “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” – Steven Wright

41. “A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” – Melanie White

42. “Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.” – Sean Hughes

43. “The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes.” – Julius Sharpe

44. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman

45. “Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan

46. “I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” – Demetri Martin

47. “It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.” – Milton Berle

48. “Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.” – Dave Barry

49. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Winston Spear

50. “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips

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