70 Funny inspirational quotes about life by famous people. Here are the best funny quotes about life that will inspire you. Don't make those serious faces when having a tough day. All you need is something that will brighten your day and uplift your mood to make your day go on with a smile. May these funny inspirational quotes fulfill their purpose and bring out the cheerful and happier version of you. Share these funny motivational quotes with your friends, family, and loved ones to inspire them as well.
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1. “Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin
2. “There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
3. “God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.” – Humorist Bill Watterson
4. “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with them later.” – Mitch Hedberg
5. “I have thought that if work were such a splendid thing, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.” – Bruce Grocott
6. “A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
7. “Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.” – Dave Barry
8. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
9. “Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.” – Judith Viorst
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10. “I always wanted to be somebody. I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
11. “I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.” – Ogden Nash
12. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones
13. “From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.” – Winston Churchill
14. “Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.” – Lily Tomlin
15. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.” – Will Rogers
16. “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.” – Groucho Marx
17. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
18. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” – Betty White
19. “If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.” – Doug Larson
20. “Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” – Doug Larson
21. “Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.” – G.K. Chesterton
22. “Luck is what you have left over after you give one hundred percent.” – Langston Coleman
23. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
24. “When your outgo exceeds your income, the upshot may be your downfall.” – Paul Harvey
25. “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” – Don Marquis
26. “I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones. That's why it's called a CELL phone.” – Anonymous
27. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey
28. “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler
29. “Part of the good part of being a parent is a constant sense of deja vu. But some of what you have to vu, you never want to vu again.” – Anna Quindlen
30. “If the new father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.” – Bill Cosby
31. “If I'd known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.” – Eubie Blake
32. “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.” – Albert Einstein
33. “I know God promises not to give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.” – Mother Teresa
34. “Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.” – Bill Cosby
35. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” – Mark Twain
36. “It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes
37. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
38. “When I hear somebody sigh, life is hard, I'm always tempted to ask, compared to what?” – Sydney Harris
39. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
40. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning, I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.” – Winston Churchill
41. “There are one hundred billion nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.” – Anonymous
42. “If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.” – Terry Pratchett
43. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
44. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
45. “Breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry Seinfeld
46. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas Adams
47. “You are upgrading your technology, and you've not upgraded yourself.” – Eric Thomas
48. “Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” – Thomas Stephen Szasz
49. “I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here.” – Arthur C. Clarke
50. “When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.” – Bernard Bailey
51. “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost
52. “Someone asked me if I were stranded on a desert island, what book would I bring: How to Build a Boat.” – Steven Wright
53. “Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.” – Anonymous
54. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
55. “Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.” – Woody Allen
56. “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” – Robert Heinlein
57. “Ugly truths are the biggest source of indigestion in humans.” – Raheel Farooq
58. “If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
59. “If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them.” – Anonymous
60. “Life's a tough proposition but the first hundred years are the hardest.” – Wilson Mizner
61. “There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.” – Anonymous
62. “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke
63. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling
64. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch
65. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers
66. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
67. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” – Leslie Nielsen
68. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
69. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” – Adam Sandler
70. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I started. So far, I’ve finished two bags of MMs and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
2. “There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
3. “God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.” – Humorist Bill Watterson
4. “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with them later.” – Mitch Hedberg
5. “I have thought that if work were such a splendid thing, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.” – Bruce Grocott
6. “A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
7. “Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.” – Dave Barry
8. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
9. “Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.” – Judith Viorst
11. “I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.” – Ogden Nash
12. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones
13. “From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.” – Winston Churchill
14. “Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.” – Lily Tomlin
15. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.” – Will Rogers
16. “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.” – Groucho Marx
17. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
18. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” – Betty White
19. “If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.” – Doug Larson
20. “Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” – Doug Larson
21. “Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.” – G.K. Chesterton
22. “Luck is what you have left over after you give one hundred percent.” – Langston Coleman
23. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
24. “When your outgo exceeds your income, the upshot may be your downfall.” – Paul Harvey
25. “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” – Don Marquis
26. “I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones. That's why it's called a CELL phone.” – Anonymous
27. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey
28. “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler
29. “Part of the good part of being a parent is a constant sense of deja vu. But some of what you have to vu, you never want to vu again.” – Anna Quindlen
30. “If the new father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.” – Bill Cosby
31. “If I'd known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.” – Eubie Blake
32. “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.” – Albert Einstein
33. “I know God promises not to give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.” – Mother Teresa
34. “Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.” – Bill Cosby
35. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” – Mark Twain
36. “It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes
37. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
38. “When I hear somebody sigh, life is hard, I'm always tempted to ask, compared to what?” – Sydney Harris
39. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
40. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning, I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.” – Winston Churchill
41. “There are one hundred billion nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.” – Anonymous
42. “If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.” – Terry Pratchett
43. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
44. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
45. “Breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry Seinfeld
46. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas Adams
47. “You are upgrading your technology, and you've not upgraded yourself.” – Eric Thomas
48. “Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” – Thomas Stephen Szasz
49. “I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here.” – Arthur C. Clarke
50. “When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.” – Bernard Bailey
51. “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost
52. “Someone asked me if I were stranded on a desert island, what book would I bring: How to Build a Boat.” – Steven Wright
53. “Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.” – Anonymous
54. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
55. “Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.” – Woody Allen
56. “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” – Robert Heinlein
57. “Ugly truths are the biggest source of indigestion in humans.” – Raheel Farooq
58. “If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
59. “If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them.” – Anonymous
60. “Life's a tough proposition but the first hundred years are the hardest.” – Wilson Mizner
61. “There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.” – Anonymous
62. “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke
63. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling
64. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch
65. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers
66. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
67. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” – Leslie Nielsen
68. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
69. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” – Adam Sandler
70. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I started. So far, I’ve finished two bags of MMs and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry